What Talent?!
by Freddy the Magical Elf
Summary: Selphie organizes a talent show at Balamb Garden...but who the HECK has any talent around there? (WARNING: Q-gal strips.)
1. The Beginning of a Great Deal of Pain

WHAT TALENT?  
  
"COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON PLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSE?!??!?"  
  
"Jesus H. Christ on a cross, get off my leg NOW!" Squall said, trying to kick away a clinging Selphie.  
  
"But Squaaaaaa-aaaaaalllll, you promised!" Selphie whined. "You're the only guy in the whole Garden who writes properly angsty and depressive poetry!"  
  
"…whatever."  
  
"SEE?! You're a natural!" Selphie stood up and pouted cutely at him. "Rinoa's gonna sing, and Zell is going to do standup comedy, and Irvine has a neato dance number, and I'm gonna play guitar with Quistis as backup percussionist…"  
  
"What's Seifer doing?" Squall asked cautiously.  
  
Selphie shrugged. "A dramatic reading with Raijin and Fujin, I think…"  
  
"Oh, grand. Simply grand. What're they gonna do, stand up and make animal noises while Seifer taunts innocent people in the audience? Like me?"  
  
The girl stamped her foot and slapped a signup sheet into Squall's crotch. "Stop being a whiny little bitch or I'll REALLY give you something to grouse about!" Then she smiled sunnily and medicatedly once more. "See ya on Saturday night!" Selphie skipped off, humming a peppy version of "Eyes On Me" and tripping people left and right.  
  
Squall shook his head. "…whatever…"  
  
Rinoa ran up and giggled like a fool. "Hewwo, Skwawwy-poo! How's my shnoogy-oogy-baby bear?"  
  
Squall looked left.  
  
"Oh, you are SO sexy! See you at the talent competition, pookie-panties!" Rinoa ran away, flailing her arms all over the place.  
  
/I have GOT to get away from women entirely….\  
  
***  
  
"I just don't think it expresses the beauty of the song entirely." Quistis said tactfully.  
  
'But Q-biiiiiiitch! It makes a neat noise! C'mon, we NEED a glockenspiel as backup!" Selphie cried. Seeing Quistis wasn't about to back down, she turned behind her and offered the next item. "A tambourine?"  
  
"No…"  
  
"A xylophone?"  
  
"I don't think that's quite it…"  
  
"MARACAS MADE OUT OF MILK CARTONS AND PEBBLES?!?!"  
  
"There is absolutely NO reason to scream." Quistis said snootily.  
  
Selphie threw down the milk cartons and stomped her feet explosively. "THEN I'LL DO IT MY OWN DARN-DANG-FIM-FANG-FOONGING-DOONGING-SHUFFLE-KERFLUFFLE-MUFFLE SELF!"  
  
"Fine!" With a sniff and a pivot, Quistis strolled huffily out the door. She stopped, turned back around, and said, "Find another percussionist this close to the contest, I dare you! I'll win with MY talent!" She then left.  
  
"What talent would that be?! Giving blowjobs or boring lectures?!" Selphie shrieked back.  
  
"Both!"  
  
"Ooooh, damn stupid multitalented BLONDES with their stupid stupidhead stupidity…" Selphie stomped her feet again. "OW! Damn stupid Spice Girls-size platforms…"  
  
***  
  
Rinoa stood in her bedroom in Galbadia, frowning at a sheet of paper. She turned it left, right, upside down, folded it, scrunched it, looked at it in the mirror, applied water and invisible ink liberally over the surface, and frowned again.  
  
"Dammit! These stupid funny little marks STILL don't look like words!"  
  
***  
  
"I just flew in from Balamb today…so I bit my sandwich!" Zell posed and waited for applause, but received none.   
  
"We are the knights who say…GO SPARTAN SQUAD! WHOOOOO!" He waved his arms around and flashed his panties, but received no response.  
  
Zell sighed and looked dejected. His usual bouncy exuberance deflated, he picked up the audience and squeezed it tight. "Why don't you ever talk to me, Mr. Boo?"  
  
The teddy bear did not respond.  
  
"Didn't you think it was FUNNY?! HUH?! WAS IT NOT HUMOROUS ENOUGH FOR YOU, YOU PRICK BASTARD?! ARRRRGGGGGHHHH!" He hurled the poor, defenseless bear against the wall. "I'LL ASK BOB THE BUNNY RABBIT WHAT HE THINKS! HE'S GOT TASTE! HE'S GOT SENSE! HE'S GOT FRICKIN' AESTHETIC VALUES!"  
  
Bob the Bunny Rabbit did not respond.  
  
"OOHHHHHHH YEEEEAAAAHHHH, BUDDY, YOU TELL HIM!"  
  
"Zell!"  
  
"Yes, Ma?"  
  
"Did you forget your medication again?"  
  
"Uhhh…oh."  
  
***  
  
"And one! And two! And chantee, relevee, pas de chat and GRAND JETE!"  
  
Irvine finished with a lovely arabesque, then frowned. "Somethin' ain't right. Mah pointe is too flat; ah'm too low in the ankles! Mah turnout ain't…ain't…turned out enough!" He sighed flamboyantly, adjusting his leg warmers. "Maybe ah should do a jazz routine, huh?"  
  
'Like, I dunno." His choreographer cracked her gum. "Like, did you ever see my Pepsi commercial? You're, like, soooooo totally pretty, y'know? Like, maybe you should dance like me, 'cuz, like, when I bother to wear clothes? You know? We, like, dress alike."  
  
Irvine gave the camera (or the empty spot of air he pretended was a camera) the People's Eyebrow (only sexier). "Hmmmm…ah reckon you may have yourself a point there…"  
  
His choreographer giggled and slathered on some more Fake-Bake.  
  
***  
  
"To be or, like, not to be, y'know?"  
  
"QUESTION."  
  
"Whether you should, like, suffer the slings and arrows of fortune or not, y'know?"  
  
"NOBLER. OUTRAGEOUS."  
  
Seifer stood up, wearing a cute little crop top with 'EDEA'S EX-BITCH" printed on it. "Or to take arms against a sea of pansies like Squall, and by opposing, kick their asses," he intoned.  
  
"DIE. NO SLEEP."  
  
There was a pause, then Raijin shook his head. "It doesn't work, y'know? It's too hard to read, y'know?"  
  
"MUSIC."  
  
Seifer nodded. "She's right, even if she isn't me. It does have a nice flow…or something. Hell if I know."  
  
'WHAT NOW?"  
  
"Maybe we should do something else, y'know? Like, a more dramatic piece, y'know?"  
  
"How about something with murders and a sleepwalking scene and guys in kilts?" Seifer suggested.  
  
"NO."  
  
"How about something with this old king who has three daughters, and two of them hate him, and the last one loves him, but the other two suck up and the third one doesn't and the king gets mad and banishes her and then the two other mean sisters try to tak eover his kingdom and the king goes nuts and then the third daughter dies, y'know?"  
  
"COMPLICATED."  
  
Seifer thought for a second. "Okay, there's this guy who lends people cash, right? And this one guy owes him money, and he's in love with this girl whose father makes all her potential suitors choose from three coffins and—"  
  
"SHOVE IT."  
  
"Okay, okay, jeez!" Seifer said, annoyed. "What does Princess Fuuj want to do, eh?"  
  
"That was really sarcastic, y'know?"  
  
"ROMANCE!"  
  
Seifer turned pale.  
  
*** 


	2. Quistis' Boobies

  
  
The night of the talent show, Selphie's Garden Festival Committee decorated the stage in Balamb Garden's school colors. The lighting was tasteful, the grounds were clean enough to eat off of, and there was an adequate supply of buckets for drunken students to vomit into. Squall would have congratulated Selphie on her work, had he given a flying fuck.  
  
The judges-Cid, Edea, and Xu-were sitting at the tables in front of the stage. Squall peeked through the gap between the wall and the curtain, and was glad that he had been characterized without any emotion. Otherwise, the sight of the entire Garden population waiting to see some damn good talent might have forced him to wet his pants, like Zell just had for the third time.  
  
Selphie, who was acting as announcer, ran out onto stage and waved perkily to everyone. The entire audience sighed "Awwwwww…!" as a collective.  
  
"Hi!" Selphie giggled and then lowered the microphone down to her level. "Hi, everybody! Welcome to Balamb Garden's first Talent Spectacular! We have a whole buncha spiffykeen performers tonight, so let's hear a big round of applause for them all for being brave or pussy-whipped enough to perform tonight!"  
  
The crowd responded with a unified, "BOOYAKA!"  
  
"HELL YEAH! Okay, um, our first performer is Quistis Trepe." Selphie ran off the stage, "accidentally" kicking Quistis sharply on her left ankle. The blond gave her a withering look that Selphie completely did not see and would not have cared about had she seen it, then took her place in the center of the stage. She grasped the microphone and cleared her throat.  
  
"Ahem. I will now give a speech entitled, 'Human Sexuality: An Anatomic Miracle'"  
  
Everyone groaned. Quistis began.  
  
"There are two very obvious differences between males and female. These are the external genitalia." Quistis slipped her jacket down over her shoulders. "The male exterior genitals consist of the penis and testicles. Both of these have a strong role in the reproductive act."  
  
Quistis took her arms out of her sleeves and unbuttoned the first two buttons of her dress. "Interestingly enough, the female genitalia is mainly an internal mechanism. The entire vagina is a very complex organ, consisting of a clitoris, vulva, labia, and other parts." She undid the jacket's snap at her waist and let it drop to the floor. People started to get nauseated.  
  
She took her long blond hair out of its customary barrette and let it fall loose around her shoulders, then undid the rest of the buttons. Now she was fairly naked to the waist, her bra visible between two folds of fabric. "The clitoris, an internal organ, exists mainly to cause pleasure for the female. The male may stimulate this organ, but it is not necessary. In fact, the female orgasm is not necessary to the reproductive process."  
  
Off came the top of the dress completely, falling around her waist. Her bra was completely see-through in the hot theater lights. There was a huge rush for the bathrooms and buckets. "Sexual activity is performed this way: the male is stimulated and his penis becomes erect due to blood rushing to that part of his body. He then lubricated the female's vagina, either by sexually stimulating her, or by a synthetic lubricant." The dress was now gone. Quistis was wearing a thong. The rest of audience was screaming in pain by then. "The penis is then inserted into the vagina, and motions are performed until the male achieves orgasm. The end."  
  
Quistis bowed. 'Thank you."  
  
A few people were still conscious enough to flip her off. Everyone else was too busy throwing up, bleeding out of every bodily orifice, and crying to clap.  
  
Selphie ran back onstage. "Um…we…apologize…for that….demented as fuck display of…complete and utter insanity. Um…do we even bother to check the judges' scores?"  
  
Cid, Edea, and Xu wearily held up their scores. Selphie read them aloud. "A 1.2 from Headmaster Cid…a 2.0 from Edea…and an 8.5 from Xu?! What the hell?"  
  
"I thought it was original, that's all." Xu said defensively.  
  
Selphie shrugged. "Whatever. And speaking of whatever, we now have a dramatic poetry reading from our very own hero and jackass, Squall Leonhart!" 


	3. Squall's Poem

  
  
Squall walked onstage to a smattering of applause, and glared cruelly at the audience for ten minutes until they finally shut up. "My poem is called, 'Dot dot dot'." He started reading.  
  
"I hate you all."  
"…"  
"People suck like a strip mall."  
"…"  
"Why the hell are you always bugging the living fuck out of me?"  
"…"  
"Just shut the bloody hell up and go bother someone perky."  
"…"  
"…"  
"Rinoa, you're a damn, dirty slut, but I love you."  
"…"  
"I hate the way you're always buying little skanky fetish shoes."  
"…"  
"Good Lord above, Selphie, you're a head case."  
"…":  
"You're furthering my hatred for the entire human race."  
"…"  
"Irvine, are you a cultured ladies' man, or a gay Kid Rock impersonator?"  
"…"  
"Please stop asking me to meet you at the strip club later."  
"…"  
"Zell, you are a hyperactive dick."  
"…"  
'You're as hyper as a laughing hyena on all sorts of trippy shit."  
"…"  
"Quistis is a whore with a redwood up her ass."  
"…"  
"She was a blond and so dumb that her school career could NEVER last."  
"…"  
"Everyone else is a pasty-faced shit."  
"…"  
"I hate you and think you're all full of it."  
"………….."  
"Fuck off."  
  
Everyone clapped appreciatively  



	4. Special Feature! Lycos's Translator Suck...

NOTE: This was the result of translatinbg the first part of the story into German and then  
back into English using Lycos' translator. It is not meant to offend German people in any  
way.  
  
  
WHICH TALENT?  
  
" COMING IT ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON  
COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON  
PLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSE?!??!?"  
  
" Jesus H Christian on a cross, go from my leg NOW!" away, Squall  
said and tried, an adhering Selphie away to step.  
  
" however Squaaaaaa aaaaaalllll, you promised!", Selphie whined. "  
you are the only cord in the complete garden, write correctly angsty  
and depressing poetry!",  
  
"... whatever.".  
  
" SEEING it?! They are a natural!", Selphie was above and schmollte  
cutely at it to " Rinoas, goes singing, and cell standupcomedy will  
do, and Irvine has one neatotanzzahl, and I Guitarre with Quistis as  
backuppercussionist to play.. ",  
  
" which is doing Seifer?", Squall carefully asked.  
  
Selphie twitched. " a drastic measured value with Raijin and Fujin, I  
think... ",  
  
" OH -, greatly. Simply greatly. Going to What're it doing animal  
noises above being and educating during taunts Seifer innocent people  
into the public? As I?".  
  
The girl marked its foot and struck signupblatt in forking of the  
Squalls. " the impact, which is whiny a small female or I, gives you  
something REAL to grouse approximately!", Then it smiled sunnily and  
medicatedly again. " you see ya on Saturday night!", Selphie skipped  
away, to the left and to the right hummed one peppy version " of the  
eyes on me " and releases people.  
  
Squall shook its heading. "... whatever... ",  
  
Rinoa ran above and kicherte like a fool. " Hewwo, Skwawwy poo! As  
is Shnoogy more oogybabybaer my?",  
  
Squall looked to the left.  
  
" OH -, you are SO delightful! See it at the talent competition,  
Pookieschluepfer!", Rinoa ran away and flailing it levers completely  
over the workstation.  
  
/I must received away of the women completely... \  
  
* * *  
  
" I even do not think that it expresses the beauty of the Song  
completely ", Quistis tactfully said.  
  
' however q-biiiiiiitch! It forms tidy noises! C'mon, NEEDING we a  
bell play as Backup!", Selphie cried. Quistis too sehenWAR not in  
the term to withdraw turned it behind it and offered the following  
individual part. " a tambourine?",  
  
" none... ",  
  
" xylophone?",  
  
" I do not think, that am quite it",  
  
" MARACAS IN AN EDUCATED MANNER FROM MILCHCKarton AND -kiesel?!?!"  
OUT  
  
" there is absolutely NO reason scream. ", Quistis snootily said.  
  
Selphie threw down the milk cardboards and stomped their feet  
explosively. " THEN I DO IT MY OWN ONE DARN hire fim catch foonging  
doonging shuffle kerfluffle mufflecSelbst!",  
  
" finely!", With a breath and a joint Quistis sauntered huffily from  
the door. It stopped, back around turned, and said, " you find  
another percussionist this near at the competition, I dared you! I  
win with MY talent!", It left then.  
  
" which talent became, that? is! Give of blowjobs or from boring  
lectures?!", Selphie back shrieked.  
  
" both!",  
  
" Ooooh, curse stupid multitalented BLOND with their stupid  
stupidheadstupidity... ", Selphie stomped their feet again. " OW!  
Verfluchte one stupid spice girl size platforms... ",  
  
* * *..  
  
Rinoa was located in its bedroom in Galbadia and run tents at a page  
paper the forehead you turned it to the left to the right to top side  
down, folded it, scrunched it, liberally regards it in the mirror, in  
the applied water and in the invisible ink over the surface, and again  
the forehead gerunzelt  
  
" Dammit! These stupid merry small markings STILL do not see like  
words!" out,  
  
* * *  
  
" I flew even inside from Balamb today thus I bit mine  
sand-yielded!", Raised one and waited applause cell, but do not  
receive.  
  
" we are the knights... SPARTANI SQUAD GO say! WHOOOOO!", It moved  
its levers around wavelike and flashed its Schluepfer, but received no  
response.  
  
Cell sighed and looked discouraged. Its usual aired out  
bouncyexuberance, main header it the public up and squeezed it  
together firmly. " why not it at all discussion to me, Mr. Boo?",  
  
The teddybaer did not react.  
  
" you did not think it were MERRY?! HUH?! IT WAS NOT HUMOROUS ENOUGH  
FOR IT, IT STINGS HYBRID?! ARRRRGGGGGHHHH!", It hurled the poor,  
defenseless bear against the wall. " I REQUEST PENDULUM FOR the  
HAESCHENCKaninchen, WHICH IT THINKS! IT HAS TASTE! IT HAS DIRECTION!  
IT HAS FRICKIN ' AESTHETIC VALUES!",  
  
Bob the rabbit rabbit did not react.  
  
" OOHHHHHHH YEEEEAAAAHHHH, FRIEND, EXPLAINING IT IT!",  
  
" cell!",  
  
", mA?",  
  
" you forgot your medication again?",  
  
" Uhhh... OH -.",  
  
* * *..  
  
" and! And two! And chantee, relevee, pasdeschwaetzchen and GREAT  
JETE!",  
  
Irvine terminates an attractive arabesque, then the forehead gerunzelt  
" Somethin ' is not quite Milliamperestundenpointe is too flat;  
ah'm too low in the knoecheln! Milliamperestundenturnout is not...  
not... is failed enough!", It sighed flamboyantly and adjusted its  
more leg-warmly. " possibly ah a jazz program should, huh does?",  
  
' as, i-dunno. ", its more choreographer cracked its rubber. " as,  
you saw at all my Pepsiwerbung? They are, how, soooooo totally quite,  
y'know? How, possibly should you to be danced as I, ' cuz, how, if I  
disturb to carry clothes? They know? We, as, dress directly." on,  
  
  
Irvine gave, the brow of the people to the camera (or the empty point  
of the air, which it pretended, was a camera) (only more delightful).  
" Hmmmm... ah count you can one point have itself there... ",  
  
Its choreographer kicherte and slathered on more falsification cheeks.  
  
  
* * *..  
  
  
" or, as its, not its, y'know?",  
  
" QUESTION ", " whether you, as, the belts and the arrows of the  
fortune should to be suffered or not, y'know?",  
  
" SPLENDID. IMPUDENTLY ", Seifer was above and carried a nice small  
grain top side with ' EX bitch EDEAS " printed on it. " or levers  
against a sea from Pansies to to take like you Squall and by stepping  
to oppose, her donkeys, " it intoned.  
  
" CUBES. NO SLEEP ", it gave a BREAK, then Raijin shook its heading.  
" it does not function, y'know? To read is too hard, y'know?",  
  
" MUSIC ", Seifer nodded. " it is right, even if she is not I. It  
has a nice river... or something. Hell, if I know ", ' WHICH NOW?",  
  
  
" possibly we should do still something, y'know? As, a more drastic  
piece, y'know?",  
  
", as over something with murders and one sleepwalking scene and cords  
in the Kilts?", Seifer suggested.  
  
" No..",  
  
" as over something with this old king, who has three daughters and  
two from them to hate and last one loves it him, but the other two you  
and third above do not suck and the king furiously and them are  
banished and then two the other onesuck and third above and the king furious and do not banish them and  
then to try the two other central sisters to more takeover its kingdom  
and the king go to nuts/mothers and then die the third daughter,  
y'know?",  
  
" MADE more difficult ",  
  
Seifer meant for one second " okay, there is this cord, which lends  
people cash, right? And this a cord owes cash to it, and he is in the  
love with this girl its father everything their possible applicants to  
select leaves from three coffins and of  
"  
  
" SHOVE THEY ", " okay, okay, jeez!", Seifer said, disturbed. "  
which does, to do would like princess Fuuj, as?",  
  
" that sarcastic was real, y'know?",  
  
" ROMANCE!",  
  
Seifer slats turned.  
  
  



End file.
